Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
