Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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