In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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