no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
