I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
