in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
that may or may not have been my penis.
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