You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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