Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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