I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
