In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We are two peas in an std pod
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize