I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
