My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
