We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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