The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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