I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
