sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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