She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize