For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
