How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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