why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
