I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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