Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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