if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
