Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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