apparently the secret to your success is patron
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
