Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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