i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
