shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sext me about skeletons
I pour the whiskey from now on
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
