I just saw a hot homeless man
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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