I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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