we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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