The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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