I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
