So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
