Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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