Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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