Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
