in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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