im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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