Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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