You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
