thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
