I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
