I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
