all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
