I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
