I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
