I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
