What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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