she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
