Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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