so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
