Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
