I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Holy shit dude........stairs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
