I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
