I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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