So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
