Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
