I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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