I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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