Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize