I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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