That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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