Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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