the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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