That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Best friends brother. Beat that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize