he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
