Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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