Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
