it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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