he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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