We're facebook friends in real life
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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